That's not how it is
by ceeebee
Summary: "How do you feel," Morgana spoke, after another lengthy pause, her fingers tracing patterns in the dirt on the floor, "when you see Gwen and Arthur together?"


**Rating: **K+  
><strong>Pairings:<strong> Merlin/Arthur, Morgana/Gwen, Arthur/Gwen  
><strong>Warnings:<strong> One sided slash  
><strong>Summary:<strong> "How do you feel," Morgana spoke, after another lengthy pause, her fingers tracing patterns in the dirt on the floor, "when you see Gwen and Arthur together?"  
><strong>AN:** Caught myself on **kinkme_merlin** again :') This fic is based off of a scene from Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince, if the summary rang any bells for you :) I'll post the prompt in full at the bottom.

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><p><span>That's not how it is<span>

Merlin hadn't been looking where he was going, when he almost tripped over the Lady Morgana, who was sitting, curled up at the bottom of the staircase. He froze, just behind her, Arthur's dinner tray clutched in his hands. There was a window to his right, and darkness billowed through it, speckled with light from the stars.

"My Lady?" He asked, uncertainly, stepping around her, the tray teetering dangerously in his tired grip. It had been a long day, and Merlin's temples throbbed as he thought of how it had been spent; getting up early and then traipsing after the soon-to-be-married King of Camelot, listening to him doling out orders to various craftsmen, with regards to his wedding, which was in the morning.

His wedding to Gwen.

On the floor, Morgana gave a start, her body twisting and neck tilting, so she could look up at the boy who had discovered her. She blinked at him, and their gazes locked. Her eyes were round, and Merlin was surprised by the expression on her face: she looked as a young child might, after having been caught out at doing something wrong. A moment passed, wherein Merlin felt the hairs on the back of his neck prickle, as he watched her knuckles turn an even brighter white, as her fists clenched in agitation.

"Is something wrong, Morgana?" he asked, softly, and the use of her name seemed to startle her into moving further, and she began to get to her feet. "I'm fine," she said, as she rose, "I ought to be-" and she started to gesture vaguely in the direction of her chambers. "No," Merlin shook his head, "Don't move because of me. Uhh..." he swallowed thickly, as she blinked and sunk back down. Another silence, and then her head was resting in her arms, which were folded over her knees, which were drawn up to her chest.

She was like a shadow in mourning. Dressed in black, and curled up in the night time.

"Can I join you?" his request was a whisper. Her assent was a hesitant, silent nod of thick dark curls. Merlin bent down, and settled awkwardly beside her, placing his tray on the step below them, locking his arms around his legs. "How do you feel," Morgana spoke, after another lengthy pause, her fingers tracing patterns in the dirt on the floor, "when you see Gwen and Arthur together?" "I..." Merlin glanced sideways at her. She wasn't looking at him, but he knew that the question was not rhetorical, "I feel broken."

And the words were a surprise, even to him, like he hadn't realised that was what he was, up until that moment. A broken boy. A broken man.

Morgana didn't reply, but Merlin noticed that her limbs had started to shake, and he didn't think it was from the cold, which seeped through the corridors. He shuffled closer to her, not feeling the need for permission when he looped a long arm around her, and her head came to rest on his shoulder.

"He'll always need you, though," her quiet voice was laced with something Merlin couldn't quite (or didn't want to quite) put his finger on, "he'll always want you, by his side."

Jealousy, he thought, his arm falling and then curling back around his own body. She was jealous, and bitter, and her nails were chipped. Suddenly, Merlin couldn't take his eyes off them. While her maidservant was off, falling in love, who was taking care of the old King's daughter?

"And you'll always need her. And she'll always want to stand by you." he managed, finally looking away, and down towards his feet. Beyond the scuffed toes of his boots, sat Arthur's dinner tray. Something deep down inside him twisted, unpleasantly, at the sight of it. Arthur needed him. How he hated that. What wouldn't he do to be able to run away tonight? To forget how much the King unknowingly relied on him, so he could just vanish, and forget.

He was so wrapped up in his helpless musings, that he missed the way Morgana's expression went dark.

"I can't have her, and it doesn't matter what either of us want." it was a strangled hiss, and Merlin almost flinched. Then, they were back to silence.

He was close to laughing.

Here sat the two loneliest people in the world, side by side in a castle full of people. Behind a closed door somewhere, lay both their other halves, wrapped together.

"Why couldn't it be me and you," Merlin spoke without thinking, and then clamped his lips together, horrified. Morgana looked at him, curiously. "What?" Merlin chewed his lip, and then stared even more intensely at his shoelaces, "why do we have to be in love with the wrong people, is what I mean," he amended, heat unfurling beneath the pale skin of his neck.

There was movement beside him, and then he felt something brush against his cheek. His eyes widened, and he lifted a hand to his face, fingers hovering over where Morgana had kissed him. "I don't know, Merlin," and he could hear the sob, locked in her throat.

And how much she wanted to be in love with him, because he was there and because he understood. How much she wanted to fall into his arms, and have him hold her. How much he wanted exactly the same thing.

But that was not how it was; not how it would ever be.

Both were destined to pine and lust and be heartbroken, for eternity.

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><p><strong>Written for this prompt: <strong>

Arthur/Merlin, Gwen/Morgana, Merlin/Morgana

I was watching HBP the other day and when that scene with Harry and Hermione bonding on the staircase came on, when Hermione said "How does it feel, Harry? When you see Ginny with Dean?", I thought I would really like to see that scene translated to the Merlin-verse with Morgana in Hermione's place and Merlin in Harry's, trying to deal with Arthur and Gwen's growing affection for one another. Please make it angsty and full of heartbreak plz!


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